the official amusing football thread

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Morris Prancing

'Soccer bad boy Jody Morris' was exposed in the People as a love rat by 'busty Petra Lundgren', who revealed: "He looks like David Beckham but is a lot shorter. However his body is very toned and he is very well-endowed. I said to him 'My Lord, it's even bigger than you my love'. He laughed. He's very proud of his size."

So, Jody Morris: Big cock. No surprise there then...

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‘Of Course You Did Moment’ Of The [Sun]Day


From The Sunday Mirror's account of Wayne Rooney's latest 'sex shame':

'The England ace made a lewd play for Danielle Lawler, grabbing her bottom in front of revellers.

'But the fumbled pass spectacularly backfired when her boyfriend Stuart chased him into the toilets.

'He yelled at the striker: "Wayne, I respect you as a footballer but please don't pinch my girlfriend's backside."'

Of course he did.

[Coley]

Boys is anyone aware of where we are in the league now?

Mid-table finish should be on the cards now, can we have an update on the injury to Horton?

With regards to the game against the Gimps, I'm in sunny Crete so just to let you know now!

I'm off to Amsterdam on Friday to play in football in Europe, but i'll be back in time to take up my domestic duties.

It's such a nice feeling to be playing with a good team again.

[neil]

Things are looking good and we are playing the best football of our history!!

Canning looking at the scoring table is that correct cos im only a goal behind Normski and Keeno?? Im gonna chase down Smeds record and become the 2nd highest bog scorer!!

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dudes, this is the 'official amusing football thread', not match discussion dammit!!

but as we're here!...

i have no idea about frog, i'll try and get an official interview later on, or at least get him on here!!

coley its great sitting here hearing you guys come up with the goods, its taken a long time but we deserve it!!

Neil - it is right, i couldnt believe it myself!!! but yeah 2 goals to go, ust look at froggy though, 7 goals in 6 games this season and 19 overall in less than two seasons!!! INCREDIBLE!!!

don't forget my curry promise.. if that dont get frog back for the weekend i dont know what will..

and who is doctor charlotte!!?

[Coley]

Dr Charlotte is a post for the Spurs fans amongst us, she's always mentioned because she is always dealing with so many players, everyone thought her and sean davis had a thing going.

Whats the Curry Promise?

[GAZZA]

the team is gonna be a bit depleated for the Gimps game - me & neil are in Spain!

Dr Charlotte had to find someone else after Darren Anderton dumped her - Sean Davis is apparantly filling his boots

oh yeah, i'm gonna score on Sunday

[GAZZA]

oh, and the league hasn't been updated on sports centre site all season so no idea where we are in it. I tried ringing the geezer to find out but he wasn't there

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boys, ring up and get the gimps game postponed!!

if we're that depleted its not worth taking a hammering!

that way i'd be around to!!

the curry promise was i'd buy anyone a curry who got into double figures or anyone who scored their first goal, that was after kinch scored his though!!

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Harry’s Latest Setback


From the BBC's account of Lineker v Kewell in the High Court:

'In his closing speech, Mr Kewell's counsel said the former England football captain was "a decent man", but added: "I suggest that making defamatory attacks in print is probably not familiar territory for TV's Mr Nice Guy."

'He claimed Mr Kewell was injured by the article.'

Any excuse, eh? But no doubt he'll miraculously regain his fitness in time for the celebrations should he win the case, of course.

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Kanu to 'better' his miss from last season, Cock Jol to be given a job at Spurs, something vaguely interesting to happen at Fulham - just three of the 50 things we're wishing for. That won't happen...

1) Linesmen (sorry, assistant referees) to consistently give the attacking side the benefit of the doubt.

2) David Bellion to confirm that no, he has no idea what he's doing at ManYoo either.

3) David James to play up front for Man Citeh on a regular basis.

4) Kanu to 'better' his miss from last season.

5) All newspapers to outlaw the 'No way, Jose' headline (and all its variations).

6) Cesc Fabregas to re-grow that mullet.

7) A Shaun Custis EXCLUSIVE in The Sun to be either an exclusive or accurately prophetic. Based on previous evidence, expecting both would be wholly unreasonable.

8) David Beckham to stick with one single haircut.

9) Thierry Henry to smile or at least appear vaguely happy when he scores a goal.

10) The words 'Jonathan Woodgate' and 'injured' not to be joined at the hip – this should not be a cue for Woodgate to injure his pesky hip.

11) Sven-Goran Eriksson to say something vaguely interesting or enlightening after an England match.

12) Sky Sports to pick a Liverpool player other than Jamie Carragher and/or Stevie Gerrard for a post-match interview. We're sure other players speak better English.

13) Wayne Rooney to stop swearing.

14) Ruud van Nistelrooy to score a goal from further out than 18 yards.

15) Edwin van der Saar to make saves only with his hands.

16) The BBC to make a formal apology for employing Peter Schmeichel and vowing never to do it again.

17) Malcolm Glazer to do a Michael Knighton and appear on the Old Trafford pitch before the first match of the season, ball-juggling and giving it large in front of the Stretford End.

18) Cock Jol to be given at job at Spurs.

19) Graeme Souness to announce after a defeat: "Fair play. We were beaten by the better team."

20) Graeme Souness to announce after a victory: "We owe it all to Lady Luck and the referee."

21) Gilberto Silva to pass the ball forward, occasionally accurately.

22) Something interesting to happen at Fulham FC.

23) Sir Alex Ferguson to fulfil all his post-match obligations to the press (and not just MUTV). Even when ManYoo lose.

24) The words 'Kleberson' and 'World Cup winner' not to be found ascloseasthat.

25) Robbie Keane to play well for his club and not just his country. And then add something new to that celebration.

26) Martin Tyler to be restored to the role of full-time Sky Sports commentator.

27) Dean Kiely to have dental surgery.

28) The FA and Premier League to ban the use of gloves. Or, in Ryan Giggs' case, tights. It's just not right.

29) The Sun not to publish a photo of Coleen out shopping for the duration of at least one week.

30) Paul Merson to confess he's addicted to interviews.

31) Ian Ridley to confess he’s addicted to Tony Adams.

32) The new Wembley to be completed on time and on budget.

33) To end the impression that we are being short-changed of entertainment, all fights to take place out on the pitch in front of the fans rather than in the tunnel.

34) Mark Hughes and all Blackburn apologists not to accuse the soft London media of bias following a public outcry at Bellamy/Savage/Dickov/Todd decapitating a member of the opposing team.

35) Jose to publish on the internet all the notes he makes during matches.

36) All the text messages sent by David O’Leary in the past three years also to be published on the internet.

37) Alan Shearer to unveil a new celebration.

38) Roy Keane to grow an afro.

39) Tony Adams to speak up. And then say something that doesn't involve Wayne Rooney being dropped by England.

40) Rio Ferdinand to admit that, on second thoughts, £100k a week is an obscenely large amount of money and he has absolutely no idea how he could ever contemplate turning it down.

41) Only very, very good players to wear coloured boots.

42) All footballers who have a newspaper column to jettison their ghost writers and write their own words themselves.

43) Sir Alex Ferguson to spontaneously combust upon being informed that Old Trafford had run out of red wine.

44) Sky Sports to publish the viewing figures of all their PPTV matches so we can find out how many mugs voluntarily gave up £9.99 in order to watch 90 minutes of Birmingham v Bolton.

45) Eric Djemba-Djemba to confirm the long-standing suspicion that he is Ali Dia's long-lost half-brother.

46) The catchphrase 'Jay-Jay Okocha: So good they named him twice' to be officially dropped on account of Djemba-Djemba's existence.

47) Emile Heskey to form Vertically-Challenged Anonymous.

48) Nancy D'whateverhernameis not to be given a plum seat in the director's box for a sold-out match on the grounds that she is the England coach’s occasional squeeze.

49) Paul Sturrock to mark his return to Southampton with Sheffield Wednesday by sitting in the visitors' dug-out and eating a large bacon and egg sandwich throughout the 90 minutes.

50) Lee Bowyer to do as he said and die for Newcastle.

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Little wonder that Michael Owen's time is up at Real Madrid. Judging by the club website's profile of new signing Robinho the Bernabeu will be hosting the Harry Houdini of football next season:

'Half the world saw the eight bicycle kicks Robinho performed in a 20 meter run in front of the defender Rogerio. He finished up the grass and the referee awarded the maximum penalty, which he transformed.'

Quite apart from the intriguing question of what a 'maximum penalty' is...eight bicycle kicks?! In 20 metres?!

That's surely going to have young Ronaldo quivering in the showboating stakes.

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A' Liverpool soccer fan bought a model of his beloved Anfield stadium — and DIED after falling on it. Mark Taylor, 40, was fatally injured when flatmate Steven Millard shoved him on to the plaster-cast replica during a scuffle'

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'Germany is getting ready for the World Cup by building brothels near stadiums. Dortmund will offer drive-in wooden sex garage. Berlin will have a 60-room complex called Artemis, with whirlpool, sauna, and cinema'

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"We’re not a selling club any more. If we still had the goldfish we would keep them now. Unfortunately, we had to eat them" - Leeds manager Kevin Blackwell. Gulp.